I’m writing this here even though I know I wont be posting it anytime soon. Not for months, anyway. Or maybe, never.
Anyway, that’s largely beside the point now, isn’t it? The person I’m going to talk about is
probably not never going to read this. But I think I should talk about this. And it had to be here, because there’s no where else I’d actually be giving so much of intensified feelings.
Not even to my friends, who are by the way, drifting apart to places I know not where. They don’t know themselves. There’s a general isolation occuring recently. But anyway, that’s again me going off track. I’m glad a few people I care about, are still intact by my side.
This is about a boy.
I don’t know when it all started. It’s just a big haze when it comes down to that point of time. Over the months I’ve tried to convince myself with a series of events that must have most likely happened.
Even then they’re all only bits of incidents. Flashes of memories strung on a faint thread. And the brightest among them seem to be his eyes. Flying around the room because I caught them staring at me.
No I’m not in love. I can’t be. My heart doesn’t race when he’s there. There are no butterflies. But somehow, by some unfathomable way, without me realising when or how, I have been obsessing about him.
Obsessing in a very weird way, that’s not even romantic. I wanted to be his friend. I wanted to talk to him, and be close to him. There comes a bad day, and I think about him, look to him for comfort, as though he’s the solution to all my problems.
I want to hug him too, but as a friend and someone close to him. Not as ‘one of his girlfriends’.
I remember myself being oblivious about him for a very long time. That’s how it had always been. And suddenly, we were there, with our eyes constantly on each other.
So Where did it start?
He started it I guess. Or I may have lead him to it, without realisation. Either way, all I remember is how on a sudden fine day, he was looking at me in gaps of 2 seconds, trying not to catch my eye.
It was honestly funny. I was taken aback by this weird happening, which in fact continued. I hadn’t noticed him enough then, so it was weird to see some random person doing that to me.
I was bored. And as days rolled by, I started reciprocating his subtle actions. Not because I was trying to flirt. Honestly. It had somehow gotten into me, that it was alright to have someone crushing on me, though I didn’t feel the same way back.
I’ve had a couple of crushes before and they were dismal failures. One even lasted for about 2 years, before I had to give up. *rolls eyes*.
So I lead him to it. It feels now like I was punishing him for something he didn’t do. But nevertheless, I just didn’t discourage him, when I should have. And he seemed like a nice person, and things didn’t seem very intense to be alarmed about. So everything seemed fine.
Or so I thought.
Until things backfired, like I never thought they would.
Without me realising, I was flirting back. And the next, I was thinking of ways to talk to him. And the next, I spent hours thinking about him.
No. No. No. No.
But yes. It happened. I know I shouldn’t have done that. I’m not even sure if he is crushing on me, or if he ever was. But all I know is, I should have backed off, when I knew I wasn’t interested.
So the next couple of months rolled by, with both of flirting subtly. And even at that point of time, my heart never raced when I was near him. I wasn’t nervous. I’m happy I wasn’t, but that should have made things, easier, right?
Nope. They didnt. I honestly can’t understand why I’m still into him, even after months. Or why I’m even writing a post about a person who’s no longer in my life.
But I guess physical presence never really matters the most. It’s just the way I felt during that period that makes me want to cherish it. It was a first.
I remember planning day after day to try to talk to him. And then suddenly we were there. His eyes looked intimidated, when they stared at me. And I loved it. It gave me confidence, and made me feel somehow higher. And I loved it.
We then went in full on, laughing and walking together. Suddenly whipping my head around and realising that I was standing too close. Subtling leaning on to each other and brushing against him, while I pretended it meant nothing to me. I ruled his attention
It all looks like a fantasy now. But I only wish it was. It’s all a haze. But I know none of it is imagined.
Anyway, it ended as abruptly as it started. There wasn’t any reason.
I don’t know at which point I realised it was over. And how one fine day, I realised that I hadn’t thought about him for a while, at all.
Maybe, I think it’s because I didn’t feel anything, for me to remember it all too well. We just drifted apart. There were always other things in our lives- more important ones. We were in our final years of schooling, a place around which both our worlds revolved ever since we can remember.
And there was work to do. In that hustle, we let go of each other’s hands, and time came in between to fill the gap. By the time I realised anything at all, I’d forgotten most of it.
I dont think I miss it. Or him., and his eyes on me. Never moving away while we talk. There are images in the back of my head that I just occasionally think about. Maybe it was never meant to happen, or it was nothing at all- just a passing friendship.
But it has given me insight. I think if I should ever want a relationship in life and should it end, this is exactly how I want it. I couldn’t have asked for anything better. It was really chill and not at all toxic.
I’m honestly not the one for emotions. It’s one reason I love action movies and hate romantic and philosophical ones. To an extent you can’t imagine.
Most people consider life to be a complicated mess with too many emotions, but for me there’s just two – laughter and thrill for the happy and exciting times, and a big eye-roll, irritation which is then followed by determination to rise higher. It’s simple, see?
The insight that he gave me has lighted a possibility that there needn’t be reasons, and still, uncomplicated and unexplained friendships are way possible in this world. That even when you move away, you can still be happy and cherish it for what it was.
It may not be much, but it was still something in my life 😺 🙂
I wrote this way before the crisis. And never intended to post it. I’m still apprehensive. But looking at it now, it has spent a lot of time in my draft box. And it reminds me, that my blog is for myself first. 🙂