Well, *sighs*, the first thought that’s pushing it’s way among all the other things bubbling inside me is, “Wow. What a lame title😂❤”
But well, I do have loads of things to say and I’m fed up of rethinking this. Not just once or twice but over and over, and yet I can’t seem to come to a conclusion.
~I’m feeling quite bitter so please don’t mind the sarcasm, if and when it comes out unintentionally 😅🤷♀️.
But if you were looking for an actual “Chat” here – as in a conversation with um… 2 or more people🤔 – let me tell you that this website doesn’t support that option and it’s going to be mainly me who is about to do the talking.🤷♀️
Ha. *The penny drops*
(The kind and generous me, ofcourse says you are more than welcome to comment 🤓)
When I was in my hiatus, I badly wanted to come back. I missed everyone. I missed the feeling my blog and the entire internet gave me. I missed being able to express my ideas instantaneously.
But I made a promise. I’m glad I stuck to it because I make about a million resolutions every year and it’s not like I keep every one of them. But that’s not the point now.
The thing is, I was dying for the “big day”. The day I would come back and get back to everything full on. But now that I did come back, something doesn’t feel….right.
I’m still unable to place it. I can’t say I’ve lost the mood because I absolutely want to do this. I want to do more. But there’s this huge undecipherable wall in front of me. Giving me a block.
And I’ve tried hard to push past that. I tried reading everyone’s blogs and while it was fun and gave me a lot of ideas, I couldn’t go further from there. I do have so many ideas, and that’s not what’s preventing me from posting now.
I just seem to have lost all the ability to write at all. I can’t get a word in that feels satisfying. There are multiple drafts with only titles. That’s how far I can go. I’m not able to contribute anything beyond that.
Content, for the sake of having content is meaningless, is it not? Atleast that’s how I feel.
Along this, also comes this fear of losing control over my blog. The reason I couldn’t come to terms with accepting all this, the least of all places, on my own blog, was again the fear that people might shun me. That they might decide not to visit again. I seem to be losing everything in the blink of an eye.
I maintain a “sunshine forever”-ish and happy atmosphere on my blog and that’s not because I’m afraid to appear human, but because this is how cheerful I’d like to be, and want to be. And it helps me. And I know it helps others too.
But I feel like it’s simply been ages since I posted something sensible.
So long that I’ve almost completely decided that I must have lost every capability to write at all, by now. And that’s scary, so the more I think about it, the more I push it away. Not writing also means not pulling out a good vocabulary.
I only go out of words when I’m a bit excited or hyper (which is, most of the time) that I start blabbering (which is also very common😂). But never when I want to simply talk about something. And well, you understand. It’s not nice to listen to someone who doesn’t know her choice of words.
And that’s the thing. I write whatever I feel, or else I’m blank. You can’t force yourself to crack jokes when you’re not feeling funny and anything else comes out as rudely sarcastic😂🤦♀️ And naturally I couldn’t come off as the psychopath who raves about chocolate one day and then bites someone’s head with sarcasm and snarkiness the next😂
And so here I am, writing the only thing I can feel. That I’m not able to post anything, not because I couldn’t care less, but because I’m genuinely trying and yet this block seems to be going nowhere. Its disorientating, but it’s fine. I’m not worried. Just confused. And maybe scared.
And added to it comes the fact that this quarantine period is over. And we’re trying to get back from our slumps, which is all exciting yes, but sadly I suppose it also means, many people don’t have the time for a blog anymore. Or are in need of a break.
I respect that. I’m hardly the right one to complain because I’m sure my “break” time is coming too – I haven’t exactly started uni yet but I’m almost there and who knows how things will be. But I do love the community here and the people who regularly visit my blog. And? I was counting on that to make it through the first few days of uni life atleast.
Sometimes it’s easy to take it all for granted and want to “get away from it all”
But to be honest it’s mostly after every break I take, do I realise how much this platform means to me and how lucky I am to have it.
And for once, I decided to push against this insecurity of being judged and instead come to terms with it. If you decided that reading this is something not worth your time, and have already moved on, then that’s fine by me. I have no hold on that.
If you decided to binge read and found this as “Not my problem!🤷♀️” or “girl, this is your headache”, its again fine by me. I know it’s my headache and I’m not asking anyone to wave their magical wands on me. (I know you don’t have one, who are we kidding😂😂)
But to all the people who genuinely read whatever I write and give me all your support, I’m forever grateful💕 I swear, its people like you who keep me going.
Thanks for giving me your shoulder. Thanks for holding my back. I’ve never met a better community of people. You have truly touched me beyond anything, and I find it a privilege to have you on my blog.
Hope you know that. 🙂